Good-Bye 2023...

It's been a while since I signed into my blog and when I did today, a draft came up.  It was to be a post of my NY trip this past September.  I didn't even realize I hadn't finished it, let alone post it.  They call it widow brain.  Boy I hate that word.  And how did it all of a sudden become New Years weekend?!  EKKK.

Here is an excerpt from that post, kind of a segue into todays post...

"It was early March 2020 and I was in NY to celebrate my friend of 40 years turning 60.  She had a party, it was pre-covid, barely.  Shortly after, when we were safe back home in LA, two friends that were at the party ended up in the hospital and my friends cousin died.  My husbands early onset dementia kicked into high gear at warp speed and the entire world shut down.  And my personal world would surely never be the same.

And here we are, September 2023, my first trip back for the wedding of that same girlfriends son and to reconnect with my roots and beloved old friends.  I love NY and I will always be a native NY'er, but I also love California with all my heart and it's been my home for 34 years.  I feel at home in both places, and there are other places in the world I feel at home in too, where I have never even lived.  That's the beauty of wander lust.  Turns out home really is where the heart is".  That was as far as I got...

As it turns out, home can also be discombobulated, wherever you are, when grief has become a part of your life.  People ask me how my year has been.  I say it's actually been pretty good, I had a lot of fun, even made some new girlfriends which is a blessing in midlife right?  But I also say, my husbands still dead.  Silence.  No one knows how to deal with me.  And that's grief.  People are uncomfortable with it. They either never mentioned it or try to console you in some way.  But there is no way.  It's a very personal and lonely journey.  And it is always with you even on the great days.  I often describe grief as  floating in the ocean. You're weightless, the sun is shining on your face, and you feel good.  Then, without warning, the current pulls you under, (cue the Jaws music).  Now you're gasping for air, trying to fight your way back to the surface.  And you make it, you always make it, and you struggle to get your breath back, and you do, and you float again.  This scenario goes on all the time, on and off like a light switch.  But on my fantastic NY trip in September with family and friends, I'm happy to report I made it a few days in a row without going under. 

I also made multiple visits to my favorite places this year like Ojai, San Fransisco, Joshua Tree, and Arizona.  I thought I'd take my first solo trip to Europe but the state of the world has me feeling safer closer to home.

I belong to an online widows group, it's very sad.  Sometimes I can't even read the posts, sometimes I chime in.  The women have all kinds of stories of how their spouses died and I won't share them because they are all horrible, but what I've learned from the group is that I find it tragic that some of them feel they can't go on.  And I ask them to consider - how would your loved one feel if they knew that their legacy was that their death destroyed your life?  I know what my husband would say.  Hell No!  I'm not going to tell you it's easy, it is not.  I cry at least once a day.  But when I cry I always hear Mike say something funny and I laugh and then just like that, I'm back on the surface floating again.  It's quite the roller coaster.  But I'm on a mission to live an extraordinary life, for the both of us.  

Most people think that grief gets better with time.  It changes, but I'd never use the word better to ever describe grief.  As I step into this new year, and the 2nd New Years without my husband, I have to say that the passage of more time actually makes it sadder, but I look forward to the ways I can move forward with my life while honoring his. 

I always pick a word and a theme for the year.  On my recent year end girls trip I choose my word, 'thrive'. My friend said she thought my word should be fierce, because she thinks I'm fierce, which made me laugh.  So maybe I'll have two words for 2024.  I'll be Fierce and Thriving. 

I don't think I'll ever finish that NY post.  But that's OK, I have another NY wedding on tap for 2024!  And I like looking forward instead of backwards, after all, if you drive looking in your rear view, you'll crash. 😉

With grace and gratitude, I wish you and yours a Fierce and Thriving 2024. 

Happy New Year!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Hello!

I wanted to post one more time for 2022 to wish you all a beautiful holiday season and a happy & healthy 2023.  And to thank all of you that have reached out to me this year.  And for being here reading my blog, it has meant so much to me and has been such a comfort.  It is greatly appreciated! 

Also, sending warm hugs to all of you in the rest of the country on this beautiful 79 degree day here in Los Angeles.  And to all of you that are living through the bomb blizzard, don't hate me.  On the up side, you're having a white Christmas!  How beautiful all the snowy pictures look on Instagram.  We do go down to the 50's at night so I do have a fire going while I look at your snowy pictures, again, don't hate me. 

It actually started to snow on me at the outdoor mall today.  Seriously, I thought I was having a stroke 😮.  I turned to a person behind me and said "do you see that?"  It turned out to be a snow machine.  Nice fake out.  There was also a guy with a mini horse sitting outside having coffee.  I had seen him walking from a distance and thought it was a really big dog, but it was a horse!  Only in LA.  And although we don't have a White Christmas, we do get pretty festive around here, so I thought I'd share some holiday postcards of pictures I took around town.  Oh, and I'll include the horse.😊

And of course, sending slobbery kisses from my Stella.

From Our Home To Yours

Happy Holidays!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING:

Lots of firsts happen when you lose your partner, and here we are at my first Thanksgiving without My Mike.  For those of you that know me, or have been reading my blog in past years, you know that TG was our huge holiday.  We hosted every year and we each made a turkey, yup two turkeys, we always went a little crazy.  Then we'd force our guests to choose the best turkey with a blind taste test, and we also both cheated trying to influence the win in our own direction, haha.  And everything had to be made from scratch, according to Mike.  This was because our first TG together revealed that I had grown up on canned cranberry sauce and Stove Top stuffing (I still love Stove Top). Who knew real cranberry sauce didn't come in a jelly log with can lines!? 

Anyway, it would be too sad for me to host this year so it will be a different kind of Thanksgiving for me.  I'll report back. 

But in case you're hosting and need some last minute ideas for your table, here are a few of my own favorites from past years, pictures 1 - 4 are mine and pictures 5 - 8 are some inspiration from my Holidaze board on pinterest.

1. These were my all time favorite center pieces.  All stuff my daughter and I foraged from a walk in my neighborhood.  Branches, berries and pine cones.  We also told our family and friends to brings some of the same from their neighborhood and we had fun putting them together.  The buckets were from the Dollar store.

 2. I always have a hard time throwing away perfectly good pumpkins, so I paint them.  One year they made it to Valentines Day so I painted them pink, that was weird.

3. And you can never go wrong with a charcuterie board! I like to make a few different ones on different boards and line them up.

4. These are so cute and easy, mini rolls that look like pumpkins.  All you need are store bought rolls, score then with a knife to look like a pumpkin and put a pecan in for the stem.  These were a big hit.

 And here's a few ideas from my Holidaze Pinterest Board.

5. Turn a carved out pumpkin into an ice bucket or a flower pot. Love this idea!

6. Never underestimate the power of some greenery from your yard and lots of candles.

7. Put a candle in a vase and surround it with cranberries.

8. Tie up your napkins with twine, add a sprig of rosemary or any pretty plant cutting and a cinnamon stick. 

 

Happy Thanksgiving

THANKSGIVING: TRADITIONS OLD AND NEW

Happy November!  And happy almost Thanksgiving!  From our very first Thanksgiving together, my husband and I hosted big Thanksgiving feasts for family and friends.  It was pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.  Mike made a lot of the side dishes.  He even has a 'secret' recipe folder.  We also had different ideas about how to cook a turkey.  Mine was traditional, and he always had some new, hip recipe he found to try out on our unsuspecting guests.  That led to two turkeys being cooked and what came to be known as Mike & Julie's Annual Turkey Cook Off.  Everyone participated, in our blind taste test, which each of us tried to blatantly sway in our own favor.  It was always a lot of laughs.  Well, Covid broke Thanksgiving traditions around the country last year, and we all adjusted, shifts were made, and Zoom blew up.  

This year we will not be hosting due to Mike's condition (if you don't know about that, you can read about it here).  Since he still thinks he can do everything, but suffers massive confusion, the kitchen has become a "Danger Will Robinson" zone.  

I posted some of the pictures, below, of past Thanksgiving's last year, for Covid Thanksgiving, and thought I'd share again because there are some good, easy no/low cost tablescape ideas.  

The first picture is of my favorite centerpiece.  My daughter and I forged pine cones, twigs, and berries to make these and the galvanized buckets were from the dollar store.  You don't need to spend money to make a beautiful tablescape.  Picture 2 is one of my charcuterie boards.  I love making these, they become their own table decor because they're so pretty.  Picture 3, what to do with your left over halloween pumpkins, paint them!  Picture 4, a super quick and easy napkin holder idea made with twine and a sprig of rosemary.  Pictures 5 & 6, just for show.  Picture 7, store bought rolls that you score with a knife and stick a pecan on the top and wa-lah you have a tray of edible mini pumpkins.  I found this on Pinterest.  Picture 9, one of our Thanksgiving Al Frescos, the beauty of living in Southern CA, extra special because it was my Moms last Thanksgiving with us.  And 10, my favorite fall wreath on our front door.  

Covid has changed things for so many and my husband being sick has changed so much for us, so it's time to make new holiday traditions.  What those look like, honestly, I have no idea.  But I do know that Thanksgiving will continue to be my favorite holiday.  For the "Thanks"" part I'm thankful for all the memories I have of this holiday. 

And for the "giving" part, I like to give meals.  It's so easy!  Did you know that for the price of your Starbucks you can feed four people on Thanksgiving!?  Just google your local mission and make an on line donation.  It would mean so much to those who need it.

From Our Home To Yours, 

    Happy Thanksgiving!

MOTHERHOOD, MEMORIES AND STAYCATIONS

Happy Mother's Day!  When I think of Mother's Day I think of many things.  Most of all, I think of this day belonging to all women, whether you are the Mom of a human, a fur baby, plants, the earth, your friends, siblings, or yourself, and we all need to mother ourselves, probably much more than we actually do.  I think about how lucky I am to have a wonderful daughter and to have had a wonderful Mother myself and how broken my heart has been since I lost her in 2019.  This picture was taken in 2015 in Santa Barbara right before she got sick.  Me, my Mom, my daughter and my sister.

Today I also think about those years when I wanted to be a Mom more than anything.  I got pregnant in my mid 20's and had a miscarriage.  It was a devastating experience and one that I thought would only be made palpable by getting pregnant again and having the baby I was meant to have.  Little did I know then that it would take 7 years for that to happen.  That's an eternity when you want desperately to have a baby.  

Many doctors, fertilely drugs, and no diagnosis later, I was the only one that held to the dream that not only would I have a baby, I'd have a girl and I'd name her Dana, after my Grandmother.  Even her father had given up on the idea.  A lot went on over those 7 years including our move from New York to California.  I met a woman at work, she had just had a baby, she said "go to my Dr., he's a miracle worker."  I went, he was.  He wanted to inseminate me with my husbands sperm, (ex husband not current husband), this was to make sure it went directly into my cervex, and of course I had to be ovulating at the time.  I had forgotten to ask for a sterile container at my last appointment so I boiled one of those big old orange tupaware containers (remember those?)  The nurses had a good laugh when they saw it, they said it was the office joke for quite some time.  After the procedure they even asked me if I wanted it back, um no!  I will never forget the feeling when I walked out, I remember it so clearly.  As I exited the building and walked through the door to the parking lot, I said to myself, "wow, I think I just got pregnant."  And I did. 

The second good joke was that baby Daddy didn't even attend the event.  And the third joke was that for a few months after she was born we called her Tuppy.  I haven't told this story in ages and I'm sharing it with you now as a reminder that women's intuition is real.  Honor it, hone it, we know what we know.  Always go with your gut, sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the timing or the detour and in the moments when there appears to be no hope, hang on tight because those are the times you need to believe the most.  

When you're a Mom, of a full on grown up, (because somehow she keeps getting older and I don't), you realize that there are basically two ways it can go.  Your kid(s) either want to hang out with you or they don't.  I consider myself one of the lucky ones because my daughter and I are besties.  And as besties we make sure we have a lot of girl time together.  I cherish this time because I know that at any given moment life can swoop in and whisk her off to parts unknown, and that's a good thing, but for now, I'll enjoy every minute with a grateful heart.

If you've followed my blog for a while and read my girl trip posts you know that when my daughter was twelve I started taking her on Mother Daughter trips for her birthday, promoting the idea of making memories instead of getting stuff.  That first trip was pretty special because I also took my Mom.  Three generations, off to Hawaii.  I was getting divorced after a 17 year marriage and my Mom was still grieving the passing of my Dad a few years earlier.  And while most of my daughter's friends were excitedly planning elaborate Bat Mitzvahs all my daughter wanted to do for her 13th birthday was swim with dolphins in Hawaii, and so she did. 

That started a pretty solid tradition.  Not all trips were as fancy as Hawaii, but NY, San Fransisco and the ultimate girls trip to Paris, which she surprised me with, have all made for some pretty life enhancing memories. 

Back to present day and the life and times of birthdays in a Covid world.  My daughters birthday is in March so she's officially been three different ages during Covid!   This year it was another staycation but with things opening up in LA we ventured out.  There are so many things to do in Los Angeles from the mountains to the sea I could probably plan a months worth of staycations and never repeat a thing.  

On this particular March day we started out bright and early, 7 AM to be exact, because we had to get to the best bagel place in LA, Pops in Culver City.  Recently, The New York Times ran an article about Pops beating out NY for the best bagels.  This lead every ex New Yorker, including me, right to their front door.  My daughter had been before but this was my first time and I have to say the bagel, (with everything, of course), was amazing, and we had gluten free and still, amazing!  Birthday bagels was a perfect way to start the day.

I suppose I should mention that no matter where we are everything we do usually revolves around food.  When are we eating?  Where are we eating?  What are we eating?  And of course, where are we eating next?  So from Culver City we headed to West Hollywood.  We strolled around the residential streets that we love, and then into the Blue Whale AKA The Pacific Design Center, we call it live Architectural Digest.  My visits to the Blue Whale started years ago with my own Mom when she would come visit me and later when she came to live with us.

My Mom, who started a side hustle before side hustles were a thing, started her own little interior design business when she was in her 50s.  Although she had gone to FIT (me too) and was extremely creative, later in life she ended up working in a school for disabled children and one day she told me that she was mad at herself for not following her dream of being an interior designer.   Of course me being me said - then be one.  Of course her being her said - yeah right.  I knew she was good at it and always did it for her friends homes and ours.  So the next day I got her all the information to attend Parsons School of Design on a part time bases and the rest is design history.  Her little company 'Penny Interiors', (her name was Penny), made her very happy.  Sadly Covid hit the Design Center hard and it wasn't the exciting thriving vibe that I remembered, lots of showrooms had brown paper on the windows and you could hear a pin drop.  But we were able to visit a few kitchen of your dreams show rooms.  And the views are pretty amazing.

My daughter is really funny.  And for some reason parking meters in LA are either too high for the average height woman or too low, I think to support people in wheelchairs.  So for us it's tip toes or crouch.

Then we were off to one of our favorite lunch spots.  For years I worked on the Westside and I have to say, although I don't miss the commute, I miss all my fabulous favorite lunch spots, especially Mauro Cafe at Fred Segals in West Hollywood.  The Fred's pasta is amazing (even the gluten free option!)  With tables properly spaced outside and everyone still masked up, except when eating, the vibe was pure happiness and we reconnected with our favorite hostess and waitress and all talked about how happy we were to be vaccinated.

Sufficiently stuffed, we were back in the car and off to Pasadena.  If you know LA at all you'll know that from the West Valley to Culver City to West Hollywood to Pasadena covers a lot of city!  We didn't include the beach or mountains today because we do that all the time.  Today we were headed to the Huntington Library and Boticnal Gardens.  This was really the vacation portion of the day between the Italian gardens, the Rain Forest and the Desert Southwest, we strolled about 5 miles worth of soul soothing gardens.  The museum is still closed as is the tea garden (poop) but we'll return once they open back up.  My daughter loved it so much she got herself an annual pass!

See that bird on the fountain to the left, kind of bleeding in with the colors.  Well, I stood there talking to it, trying to coax it over to me to get a better picture of it, until my daughter came out of the rest room and pointed out the sign, " STAY AWAY FROM THE BIRDS THEY ARE VICIOUS".  So me.

We hit the road again, stopping for a box of her favorite sushi from Sugar Fish and then a vegan ice cream cup cake party.  And what every grown up girl needs, a goofy picture to remind her that she will always be a silly kid a heart.

Wishing you a very Happy Mother's Day! 💖