GRIEF CHECK IN AND MY LATE HUSBANDS DOPPELGÄNGER:

Happy September!  It's hard to feel fall vibes because it's 100 degrees here in Southern CA.  But I put a pumpkin pillow on my bench outside today, so there are signs! 

It's been a while since I did a grief update.  Here I am, almost three and a half years in.  So hard to believe.  The thing about grief I notice the most is that the world doesn't stop for it.  It goes on around you, loud, fast, and clueless.  Most people don't see it.  They just see you working, playing, smiling and expect you to keep up.  I consider myself very fortunate to have close people in my life that know my grieving hasn't stopped, it will never stop.  Through the smiles and laughter, the work, and the good times, I think all grievers are usually just one step away from being pulled down by the undertow of grief.  I don't fight it, in fact I lean into it now and let it pass through me.  Each time it leaves I'm a little bit lighter than before.  The sadness has stayed the same, but the coping has gotten easier. 

A few months ago, I was on my treadmill and I was watching a YouTube travel vlog of a walk though Paris.  Just a person with a camera who films as they walk, nothing planned, no dialogue just the sounds of the people and busy streets.  I love walking the streets of Paris, so I find it fun to watch these videos and it keeps me on the treadmill longer.  But on this day, I was stopped in my tracks.  To the point of shock that if I didn't push the EMERGENCY STOP button I would have rolled under the treadmill and gone pancake flat and kept rolling like George Jetson.  As I was watching, a man came around a corner, an identical match to My Mike.  My dead husband.  

It was winter in the vlog, at night, the street was busy and decorated for the holidays, and there he was.  Such the spitting image of him that I literally couldn't breathe.  After a moment I rewound to find him again, then again, and again.  He was with a woman, (she looked nothing like me), he grabbed her hand to get through a small crowd of people.  Mike would have done that.  He was even wearing a black leather coat identical to Mikes, still hanging in my closet. 

Some people call this a doppelgänger, a German word meaning double-walker, a non-biological look alike for another person.  I continued to frantically rewind it stopping and playing it in slow motion.  I took a screen shot and cut out the woman (of course).  I texted it to my daughter, one of Mike's sisters, and his stepmom.  I didn't say anything but "look at this picture".  The responses where, "where was this?"  "where were you guys here?", and "I never saw this picture of Mike before".  They all thought it was him. When I told them it wasn't they were shocked.  And for me, all of a sudden, I felt like my husband was alive, out there somewhere in Paris living another life without me!  It was so unsettling.  It took me about three weeks to stop thinking about jumping on an airplane to roam the streets of Paris to find this man. 

Why did I watch that particular vlog on that particular day?  And why did that particular man look exactly like my husband?  Maybe it was a reminder that life is full of unexplainable surprises and unanswered questions.  The kind that don't ever have answers.  Like why do good people die while bad people go on living.  As with grief, there are only two ways to handle the questions that will never have answers.  We except them or not.  If we accept them, we get to experience life, and hopefully joy.  If we don't accept them, these things we cannot change, we are living a life of constant soul crushing angst.  The good news is we have that choice.

I often remind myself of the quote by the 13th Century poet Rumi "The eye goes blind when it can only see why".  This quote is a reminder that sometimes there is just no rational cause or justification for something.  No answer to 'why'.   Maybe it's a call to embrace life's mysteries (whether we like them or not) rather than constantly trying to dissect them.  Which I think can drive you crazy.  

People often tell me I'm doing great.  I say thank you. They don't get it, and that's OK.  The truth is I can be happy and sad, thriving with a broken heart, traveling, working, crying, reminiscing, and making new memories and adventures.  All the things at once.  That is what makes life beautiful.  It's my grief journey.  No rules.  It's like I always say,  yes, I'm going great, but my husbands still dead.

And what fun is a blog without some pictures.  So as September rolls in here's some little bits of summer...

Navigating Grief Over The Holidays and Life Lately:

The holidays have special challenges for us grievers.  In saying goodbye to 2024 I am focused on gratitude for all that has come my way this year.  Life is good.  It's odd to say that, because, you know, my husband's still dead.  I know it's confusing and people think that if you're happy, your grief is gone.  Sadly, it doesn't work like that. 

When our loved ones die the love doesn't die, it becomes grief.  Grief is love, that's why it lasts so long, as in forever.  You can't get grief out of your heart, unfortunately, but you can navigate it out of your body so you don't get sick.

I use my crystals to help with this in a little ritual with an amethyst and rose quartz.  These are the best crystals to use when managing grief.  Hold one in the palm of each hand and feel the vibration of healing wash over you.  Ask grief to leave your body.  Breathe deeply until you feel a sense of calm.  You can also put these crystals under your pillow.  Grief is a robber of sleep.  Under your pillow crystals can improve the quality of your sleep, protect you from negative energy, and promote personal growth.  Growing through grief will show you how strong and resilient you are.  I'll be adding some crystal healing rituals to Gretta in Gratitude in 2025.  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and coming back to read my blog when there's a new post.  If just one person takes something away that resonates for them it makes me so happy.  I recently wrote a long post in my women's grief group.  It was funny and I was hoping it would give some of them a laugh.  Well, it spurred on a huge conversation that by the end of the day that had reached over 300 of them and some said it was the first time they laughed since their husbands died.  It made me so happy.  Laughter is the best medicine and happiness is healing.  Choose it.

Here's a bit of what things look like around here lately.  I guess you could say that I'm a holiday decorating over achiever...

Wishing You The Merriest of Holidays And An Incredible 2025!

May All Your Dreams Come True.

Grief Two Years In & What I Did This Weekend:

Two years and 3 months to be exact.  Sometimes people say to me "I can't even imagine it".  And I say they are lucky they can't.  It's not like losing a parent, and I know because I've lost both of mine. As devastating as that is, your partner is someone who is there every day, the person you do all of life's stuff with, you're a team.  Then poof, they're gone.  They say, (whoever they are), that the second year is harder than the first.  I have found this to be true.  The first year you're in shock.  You wake up everyday and have that moment of wait...did this happen?  Or is he just in the kitchen making his coffee?  It's a constant jolt, every single day.  For me, the second year changed to trying, again, every single day, to accept that this is permanent, he is not coming back, this is not just a bad dream.  In my widows group, I hear the same thing. The group seems to be divided in two, those who are constantly saying they can't face life without their husbands, and the other group, my group, that pushes on to live a good life without that person that was supposed to be living it with you. 

So what do you do after years of couple hood when you find yourself alone on the weekends? Here is an example. 

Friday night I had plans with my daughter.  We have the best times together.  We took the top off my Jeep, first time!  What a blast, Mike would have loved this truck so much.  We drove to Malibu, picked up food, and had a beach picnic.  What a blast driving with the top off through the canyons.  And totally out of my comfort zone! 

I usually have at least one thing planned with friends on the weekend but not always, this was one of those weekends when I'd be flying solo.  And I'm OK with that.  Don't get me wrong, I wish Mike were here, pretty much every minute, but he's the one that taught me to do the things that are fun for me.  Now, they may not be fun for anyone else.  And if that's the case you may find this post very boring lol.

I get up super early.  If you're not an early riser and want to be, just get a dog.  On Saturday mornings in particular, I'm up to garden and clean up around outside.  I do all the things my husband did around the yard, he was so good at it.  I stink.  Seriously, I really I stink at it.  I always feel like he's cheering me on though.  Every time I sweep the leaves, (I'm a horrible sweeper), I sweep around the furniture and I hear him, "you have to move the furniture".  And I look to the sky and I say "this is your fault and I'm not moving the furniture".  Mike was from the mid west.  Those kids did chores.  I grew up in a co-op apartment in Queen, NY, I didn't even know what a chore was.  Anyway, the pool guy comes Saturday mornings.  Mike used to take care of the pool himself.  Before he went to law school he wanted to be a marine biologist.  He loved playing with the pool chemical kit.  He'd always show me how perfect he got the PH and I'd call him Mike Cousteau.  Now I have Victor the pool man.  When Victor comes it's pure chaos for Stella, my anxiety ridden monster, I mean boxer.  She thinks anyone that comes to my house is there to kill me.  Pool-man, Mailman, Amazon delivery, neighbors.  Everyone.

At 9 AM, after I had already walked 1,000 steps around my own house cleaning and chasing Stella.  I sat down for a writing workshop via Zoom with a group of women that I adore. That was great.

After that I had to make a Target run because the cat was out of food.  And he was quite vocal about it!  A $24 case of cat food turned into $120 .... why does that always happen at Target?  Is it just me?

I treated myself to a mani pedi, wracked up some pool time, AKA float therapy, and then took myself to one of my favorite local cafes for an early dinner.  You learn lots of ways to trick this grief thing, like go to dinner early when it's mostly families and not just couples on dates.  I went to a restaurant Mike and I went to often and I'm OK still going.  That's another weird thing about grief, some places we used to go trigger me and make me very sad while other places we used to go I find comforting.  No rhyme or reason, I don't try to understand it, I just accept it and plan accordingly.  I had a great dinner and tried not to be in my phone while I ate.  Many triggers there too.  Some grief things will pop up, or a song, or a picture.  It can be a mine field! 

After dinner I went home to feed the 3 fur babies, I was also babysitting my grandogter Penelope for Saturday and Sunday.  And I logged in some float therapy.  Then I took a walk, also tricky. Mike and I walked a lot, sometimes I have to change the route, sometimes it's OK.

Sunday, some more self care, I had a spa appointment for a massage.  After, I went next door to Modern Bread and Bagel, so good and everything is gluten free. Then I went to yoga class.  I know, who eats a bagel before yoga?  Wracked up some more float therapy in the afternoon and another walk to get my steps in. 

I'm so grateful I am able to do these things and that I like my own company.  Some people in my widows group hate being alone which seems even more devastating for them.  I talk to Mike a lot, and I always tell him that I'm still loving life, I just loved it more when he was in it.  

If you know someone who is grieving and you don't know what to say or send them, we just added a condolence crystals bundle to the Gretta In Gratitude website.  It comes with a personalized card so you don't have to think about it.  People have a hard time expressing feelings about grief. 

And when dealing with friends and family suffering from loss please remember ...

CRYSTAL HEALING WITH GRETTA IN GRATITUDE:

Hello,

Thanks for stopping by today!  Last week I launched a new passion project on instagram. It's called Gretta in Gratitude.  And I'm so excited to share it with you...

Since I was a kid, rocks have always intrigued me.  As I got older and learned about the hidden beauty within them, my fascination deepened.  The ability to pick up a plain gray rock and discover a magical, sparkling amethyst inside left me in awe. This wonderment sparked the beginning of my crystal collection, which quickly grew into something much, much larger.  

While crystals are often associated with spirituality, there is also a scientific basis for their energy and vibration.  It's said that each crystal carries a unique energy determined by its composition, size and color.  Just as each person has a distinct vibration, crystals can help us bridge the gap and elevate our own vibrations.

The true power of my crystals became apparent to me following the death of my husband in April of 2022.  My crystal collection transformed into a source of comfort and healing. From the soothing presences of amethyst, to the heart mending properties of rose quartz, each crystal played a vital role in my healing journey. And he loved crystals too.💖

As my collection grew, so did my desire to share the healing power of crystal with others. I started creating bundles for those in need of comfort, hope, courage and guidance, especially for those grieving the loss of a loved one.  These bundles, paired with smudge sticks, used to clear out toxic energy, have become a source of joy and fulfillment for me. 

Each bundle also includes a sprig of rosemary from our garden.  Rosemary is a symbol of love and remembrance.  If you put it in a clear glass of water in a window it will grow roots and you can plant it and have your own rosemary plant from our garden to yours. 

The positive feedback I received from those who were gifted my bundles inspired me to create Gretta in Gratitude.  Each bundle is made with love and intention, crafted to bring comfort and healing to those who need it most.  

 

Oh, and I'm Gretta. It's a nickname my daughter gave me when she was 16, long story :)

 

Here's a peek at some of our beauties.  You can see more and read all about them on our website at Gretta in Gratitude.

Good-Bye 2023...

It's been a while since I signed into my blog and when I did today, a draft came up.  It was to be a post of my NY trip this past September.  I didn't even realize I hadn't finished it, let alone post it.  They call it widow brain.  Boy I hate that word.  And how did it all of a sudden become New Years weekend?!  EKKK.

Here is an excerpt from that post, kind of a segue into todays post...

"It was early March 2020 and I was in NY to celebrate my friend of 40 years turning 60.  She had a party, it was pre-covid, barely.  Shortly after, when we were safe back home in LA, two friends that were at the party ended up in the hospital and my friends cousin died.  My husbands early onset dementia kicked into high gear at warp speed and the entire world shut down.  And my personal world would surely never be the same.

And here we are, September 2023, my first trip back for the wedding of that same girlfriends son and to reconnect with my roots and beloved old friends.  I love NY and I will always be a native NY'er, but I also love California with all my heart and it's been my home for 34 years.  I feel at home in both places, and there are other places in the world I feel at home in too, where I have never even lived.  That's the beauty of wander lust.  Turns out home really is where the heart is".  That was as far as I got...

As it turns out, home can also be discombobulated, wherever you are, when grief has become a part of your life.  People ask me how my year has been.  I say it's actually been pretty good, I had a lot of fun, even made some new girlfriends which is a blessing in midlife right?  But I also say, my husbands still dead.  Silence.  No one knows how to deal with me.  And that's grief.  People are uncomfortable with it. They either never mentioned it or try to console you in some way.  But there is no way.  It's a very personal and lonely journey.  And it is always with you even on the great days.  I often describe grief as  floating in the ocean. You're weightless, the sun is shining on your face, and you feel good.  Then, without warning, the current pulls you under, (cue the Jaws music).  Now you're gasping for air, trying to fight your way back to the surface.  And you make it, you always make it, and you struggle to get your breath back, and you do, and you float again.  This scenario goes on all the time, on and off like a light switch.  But on my fantastic NY trip in September with family and friends, I'm happy to report I made it a few days in a row without going under. 

I also made multiple visits to my favorite places this year like Ojai, San Fransisco, Joshua Tree, and Arizona.  I thought I'd take my first solo trip to Europe but the state of the world has me feeling safer closer to home.

I belong to an online widows group, it's very sad.  Sometimes I can't even read the posts, sometimes I chime in.  The women have all kinds of stories of how their spouses died and I won't share them because they are all horrible, but what I've learned from the group is that I find it tragic that some of them feel they can't go on.  And I ask them to consider - how would your loved one feel if they knew that their legacy was that their death destroyed your life?  I know what my husband would say.  Hell No!  I'm not going to tell you it's easy, it is not.  I cry at least once a day.  But when I cry I always hear Mike say something funny and I laugh and then just like that, I'm back on the surface floating again.  It's quite the roller coaster.  But I'm on a mission to live an extraordinary life, for the both of us.  

Most people think that grief gets better with time.  It changes, but I'd never use the word better to ever describe grief.  As I step into this new year, and the 2nd New Years without my husband, I have to say that the passage of more time actually makes it sadder, but I look forward to the ways I can move forward with my life while honoring his. 

I always pick a word and a theme for the year.  On my recent year end girls trip I choose my word, 'thrive'. My friend said she thought my word should be fierce, because she thinks I'm fierce, which made me laugh.  So maybe I'll have two words for 2024.  I'll be Fierce and Thriving. 

I don't think I'll ever finish that NY post.  But that's OK, I have another NY wedding on tap for 2024!  And I like looking forward instead of backwards, after all, if you drive looking in your rear view, you'll crash. 😉

With grace and gratitude, I wish you and yours a Fierce and Thriving 2024. 

Happy New Year!

THIS THING CALLED GRIEF:

Webster defines grief as a noun ~ a deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement.  I define it as a hole in the heart, accompanied by random bouts of sobbing and nausea, and an overall feeling of being run over by a Mack truck.

It's been a month today since My Mike passed away.  I call him that because when we met I had other Mikes in my phone so I put him in as My Mike, before he actually was My Mike, and it stuck.  It still seems so unbelievable that he is gone.  

The things I've learned about grief so far are that, well for one, not enough attention is paid to it in this country.  People wait for you to "get over it", which, by the way, never happens.  You don't get over it, you go around it, you learn to live with it, you experience it in random places like on line at the market, or while driving in the car.  There's no rhyme or reason to the things that set me off so far.  It could be a song, his shoes in the closet, the golf clubs in the corner, an expression, nothing, everything.  You see where I'm going with this?  Grief makes no sense and is profoundly different and personal for everyone.  The only common denominator I can see so far is that we all can agree it sucks.

I've lost both my parents, I was very close to them.  It was extremely painful and sad, but this is different. Loosing a partner, (at a young age), is just different.  It is two griefs.  It's grief for yourself over them no longer being with you and it is grief for them over all the future things they will miss.

Our family has had the most wonderful outpouring of support.  Every gift that showed up at our door, every card that came in the mail, every text, every email, every voice mail, every social media post, our amazing families, the way people showed up has taught me so much about how I want to show up for others.

Sometimes people think they don't know the right things to say to someone that's grieving.  I now know how simple it is.  Any form of "I'm thinking of you", "I'm here for you", "I'm sending you love and hugs". "I'm just checking in on you" etc.  Keeping it simple and from the heart is best.  And here's a few things I've experienced that I suggest you avoid saying to someone that's grieving..."You can move on now" (WTF?), "He's in a better place" (no, that would be next to me on the couch).  "It must be a relief not to have to take care of him anymore", (hell no and again, WTF!) 

Self preservation ~ when in doubt, lie.  I just came up with this one after a trip to the mechanic last week. Yes, my car acted up, great timing.  Naturally, our mechanic asked "How's your husband"?  When I said he passed away, the guys mouth hung open for a solid, very awkward 10 seconds, at least, which of course made me cry, you know, cause that's what you want to do at the mechanics!  

This past weekend I decided to go to the nail salon.  I had not been there in months, for obvious reasons, so naturally everyone made it a big deal that I was back.  Questions like "How are you"?, "Where have you been"? etc.  I knew it was coming, that question, the one I was dreading..."How's your husband"?  I thought for a minute about what happened at the mechanics and I knew that if I said he died, they'd be all over me and instead of enjoying my mani pedi in the spa chair, I'd been crying the whole time.  So I said he was fine.  I lied.  Self preservation.  I was there to enjoy a little self care and I didn't want to cry.  

I love this line from one of the great quotes below.  "I live even as I grieve".  Sometimes it feels OK to dip back into my life, sometimes it doesn't.  I'm going on instinct, doing things that feel good.  And also things that Mike would tell me to do, like "go get your nails done" :)

Here's what April looked like around here, and some favorite quotes about grief that really ring true for me...

"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on." ~ Thomas Wilder